Oh Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy!

I found $10 the other day at the YMCA. I was taking Nate and Anthony swimming and it was just sitting in a locker. I looked around but no one was near. (Anyone reading this who wants to claim the $10 must tell me the exact location and time you lost it or I am not giving it up.) The thoughts that echoed were where to spend it. My first idea was food. I could take the boys to McDonalds or for ice cream but my instructions were explicit, I was to come straight home and not to feed the boys. Could I go to a bookstore? Buy some music? A hat?

And then, as we were leaving, I saw advertised a “Lazy Man’s Triathlon”. Still feeling rich from my discovery, I grab the brochure and read the requirements: 2.5 mile swim (no problem), 112 mile bike (I would have 5 weeks to finish this), and a 26.2 mile run (that’s just 5.24 miles a week!). The cost was just $7 and I would get a prize for finishing.

I am at that awkward age where I only remember being fit and have forgotten what it takes to get into shape. Plus, my body no longer wants to be in top form and fights me whenever I try to exercise.

The first day I went swimming. Swimming is easy for me. My stroke is efficient enough that I can swim a long way with out getting tired. I had a discussion with my friend Tim about meditation. I was convinced I was getting into a meditative state while swimming but Tim explained that meditation was not when you stop thinking, but when you become acutely aware of everything around you, even your breathing. When I swim, my mind wanders. I think about conversations, work out math problems, and even write stories. That first day of swimming I was thinking what a travesty it was that the swim leg was so short. I figured I could swim 2.5 miles in about 1 hour and 15 minutes whereas the biking would take me 7 hours and 28 minutes at 15 MPH and the run would take about 4 hours and 22 minutes if I ran 10-minute miles. This was just not fair. Day one swimming: 1 mile

The next day I went on a bike ride. I am a great biker. Let me rephrase that, I am a great down hill bike rider. When going down hill I get into my streamline position, lean forward, and zoom. Of course I stop peddling because that would get in the way of my speed. I reach top speeds of close to 26 MPH braking only when the trail bends too sharply to safely turn. As I speed down the hill I think nothing about what is to come, just the wind. The adage “what goes up, must come down” applies in reverse to biking. As good as I am going down hill I am equal as bad going up hill. The rest of the ride was miserable. I stopped several times to massage my legs and even walked up one (or two) hills. Day two biking: 8.8 miles

My body is made for either swimming or watching TV at ungodly hours eating whatever leftovers are within reach. I am naturally buoyant which makes running more than difficult. I hate running. I cannot think about anything else while I run other that I hate running. I hate every step. I hate the way I feel my belly jiggle when I run. I hate the way my face sags with each step. I hate the way my glasses slip down my nose as I start to sweat. I hate the way I cannot walk down stairs the next day after I run. Day three running: 2.7 miles

After day three, I quickly realized that the “Lazy Man Triathlon” was not going to be easy. I am offended that they have named this the “Lazy Man Triathlon”. If I cannot complete the “Lazy Man Triathlon” what does that make me? Will my new moniker be “Lazy Man Triathlete” minus the Triathlete? I will tell you what, if it was your $10 I took at the YMCA you can have it back, well, at least you can have back the half finished “Lazy Man Triathlon” and a half finished bottle of Advil.